Is Debt a Dealbreaker? Navigating Love and Money Together

Message to Dr. Hart

From: Clara
Age: 29
Partner: 35
Duration: 4 years
From: United States

Hi Dr. Hart, I’m facing a big decision and could really use your advice. My name is Clara, I’m 29 years old, and my boyfriend, Mark, is 35. We’ve been together for four years and are starting to talk about marriage. Mark is incredible—he’s supportive, kind, and we have a strong connection. However, he has about $50,000 in student loans and some credit card debt, while I’m debt-free. I’m beginning to wonder—should I marry someone with debt? I’m concerned about how his financial situation might affect our future, especially if we want to buy a house or have children. We live in the U.S., and money has always been a sensitive topic for us. How should I approach this, and can we really build a strong future together despite his debt? Thanks so much for your help. Clara.

Dr. Seraphina Hart’s Response:

Dear Clara,

First, I want to commend you for thoughtfully considering this crucial aspect of your relationship. Many people avoid difficult conversations about money, but by confronting this head-on, you’re already laying a foundation of honesty and transparency—key ingredients for any successful marriage. As you’ve recognized, marriage is not just an emotional commitment; it’s also a financial partnership that will shape your future together in profound ways.

It’s completely natural to feel a sense of anxiety when thinking about how debt might affect your long-term goals, especially when those goals include important milestones like buying a home, starting a family, or securing your financial future. Money can be a sensitive and often uncomfortable subject, but it’s one of the most important factors to address before entering into marriage. When one partner brings a significant amount of debt into the relationship, it’s understandable to have concerns about how that will impact your shared future—not just financially, but also emotionally.

What’s important here is that you and Mark approach the situation as a team. His debt doesn’t need to be seen as an insurmountable obstacle but rather as a challenge you both can manage together with the right mindset and approach. Money shouldn’t overshadow the love and connection you’ve built, but it does need to be addressed with clarity and mutual understanding. By exploring a few key areas—Mark’s financial habits, your own values around money, and creating a solid plan for moving forward—you’ll be in a better position to make a decision that feels right for both your heart and your future.

Let’s break this down into some practical steps to help you navigate this decision thoughtfully and with confidence.

Understand the Full Financial Picture

Before moving forward with any major decisions about marriage, it’s crucial to have a complete and clear understanding of Mark’s financial situation. You’ve mentioned that Mark carries about $50,000 in student loans, but that’s just one part of the picture. Financial compatibility in a relationship isn’t solely about the amount of debt but also about how that debt is managed and how open both partners are in discussing their finances.

Start by sitting down with Mark to get a full overview of his financial obligations. Here are a few key questions to explore together:

How much total debt does he have? While the student loan is a significant portion, it’s important to know if there are any other debts—such as credit card balances, car loans, personal loans, or even unpaid medical bills. These other obligations can quickly add up, and knowing the full scope will give you a better idea of what you’re working with.
What are the interest rates and repayment terms on these debts? Some debts, like student loans, often have more favorable repayment terms and lower interest rates, especially if they’re government-backed. However, high-interest debt, like credit card balances, can be much more difficult to pay down over time. Understanding the interest rates, monthly payments, and how long it will take to repay each debt is essential. This will help you evaluate the timeline for becoming debt-free and how much of your combined income will be dedicated to debt repayment after marriage.
Does Mark have a solid repayment plan in place? One of the most telling signs of financial responsibility is whether or not Mark has a concrete plan for managing and reducing his debt. Is he making regular payments on time? Has he considered debt consolidation or refinancing to make the repayment process more manageable? Or is he simply overwhelmed and avoiding the issue? If he has a clear strategy for paying off his debt, that’s a positive sign. If not, this may be a good opportunity for both of you to sit down together and develop a plan.

Being transparent about the numbers and knowing exactly what you’re dealing with will help you understand how much his debt could impact your joint financial goals, such as buying a house or saving for retirement. This clarity will also provide a sense of whether the debt is manageable or if additional steps need to be taken to bring it under control. Once you both have a firm grasp of the financial picture, you can begin to create a realistic plan for how to approach these obligations as a couple.

Evaluate His Attitude Toward Money

Mark’s overall attitude toward money management is just as important, if not more so, than the actual amount of debt he carries. How someone handles their finances provides deeper insight into their values, habits, and approach to problem-solving. A person’s financial behavior can significantly impact your relationship, and understanding Mark’s mindset will help you determine whether he’s a compatible long-term partner when it comes to managing your combined resources. Here are a few important factors to consider:

Is he transparent about his finances?
Financial honesty is a cornerstone of any healthy marriage. The ability to openly share financial details, both good and bad, fosters trust and allows you to tackle challenges together. If Mark is forthcoming about his debts, including how they accumulated, this demonstrates a willingness to be vulnerable and honest—essential qualities for a successful partnership. He should feel comfortable sharing updates on his financial progress and engaging in conversations about future financial decisions. On the other hand, if Mark is secretive or evasive when it comes to discussing his debts, this may signal underlying issues, such as financial denial or avoidance, which could lead to bigger problems down the road.
Does he budget and save responsibly?
Even if someone is in debt, the way they handle their day-to-day finances can be a strong indicator of their financial responsibility. Does Mark follow a budget, track his spending, and set aside money for savings or emergencies? Responsible money management isn’t about having a perfect financial situation; it’s about demonstrating control and awareness over the resources you do have. If Mark budgets wisely and is actively working toward financial goals, it shows that he’s serious about managing his debt and is prepared for the financial responsibilities that come with marriage. Conversely, if he tends to spend impulsively or struggles with saving money, that could indicate a lack of discipline or awareness that may complicate your financial future together.
Is he avoiding financial discussions?
Avoiding conversations about debt or finances is often a red flag. While it’s natural for some people to feel uncomfortable discussing money, consistent reluctance or avoidance could indicate that Mark hasn’t fully come to terms with his financial reality. In some cases, this avoidance stems from shame or guilt about being in debt, but it’s crucial to address these feelings before entering into marriage. If Mark avoids discussing his financial situation or brushes off your concerns, this behavior could lead to financial misunderstandings or conflicts in the future. You’ll want to assess whether he’s willing to confront these issues head-on or if he’s likely to continue avoiding them, which can erode trust over time.

By evaluating these aspects of Mark’s financial behavior, you’ll gain a better understanding of how he views money and whether his attitude aligns with your own values. A positive and responsible attitude toward finances can create a strong foundation for handling future challenges together, while unresolved issues or avoidance may require deeper conversations before moving forward with marriage. Ultimately, it’s not just about whether he has debt, but how he’s choosing to manage it—and whether he’s ready to take that responsibility seriously within your relationship.

Assess Your Own Financial Boundaries and Values

Because you are currently debt-free, it’s natural to feel a sense of caution when considering how Mark’s debt might impact your financial future. Marriage, after all, means merging not just your lives but also your financial obligations. It’s important to reflect on your own values and boundaries around money before making any decisions. Financial compatibility is just as important as emotional compatibility, and understanding your comfort level with financial matters will help you enter this next phase of your relationship with clarity and confidence.

How do you feel about combining finances?
One of the most significant shifts in marriage is often how you manage money as a couple. You’ll need to decide whether you’re comfortable with combining finances and potentially sharing responsibility for Mark’s debt. Are you prepared for the possibility that, once you’re married, your resources could go toward repaying his student loans or credit card debt? Many couples choose to pool their incomes and tackle financial challenges together, while others prefer to keep their finances separate or create a hybrid system. Consider whether you would feel secure knowing that part of your income might be directed toward his debt payments. If the idea of taking on that responsibility makes you uncomfortable, it’s important to have an honest conversation with Mark about how you envision managing money as a married couple.Furthermore, how you decide to share—or divide—financial responsibilities can also shape other areas of your life, like joint savings, shared investments, and even daily spending decisions. Do you expect to split expenses equally, or would you contribute proportionally based on income? And how would Mark’s debt affect that balance? These are important questions to consider before marriage.
What are your financial dealbreakers?
Everyone has different financial boundaries, and it’s important to be clear about yours. Ask yourself: What are you willing to compromise on, and what are your non-negotiables when it comes to money? For some people, taking on a partner’s debt may feel like a manageable challenge if there’s a clear repayment plan in place. For others, the idea of being tied to debt can trigger significant anxiety or stress. Are there certain financial behaviors that would be a dealbreaker for you—such as ongoing, unchecked spending, a lack of a repayment plan, or financial dishonesty? Be honest with yourself about what you can realistically handle without feeling resentful or overwhelmed.It’s also important to consider your tolerance for risk. Some people are comfortable taking on financial risks, while others prioritize stability and financial security. Where do you fall on that spectrum? If Mark’s debt introduces a level of financial uncertainty that conflicts with your personal values or long-term security, this is something you’ll need to confront before moving forward. Understanding and articulating your financial dealbreakers can help prevent conflict and ensure that both partners are aligned on key issues.
How might Mark’s debt impact your long-term goals?
One of the most crucial considerations is how Mark’s debt might affect your shared financial goals, especially in the long run. Whether you’re planning to buy a home, start a family, travel, or save for retirement, it’s important to have realistic expectations about how his debt could influence those timelines. For example, if a significant portion of your combined income is directed toward paying down debt, will that delay your ability to save for a down payment on a house? Or will it impact your ability to start a family or build a retirement fund as quickly as you might like?Financial planning is a crucial part of any marriage, and it’s essential to discuss how you will prioritize paying off debt while working toward your joint goals. If buying a home or saving for the future is important to both of you, it may take longer to reach those milestones if his debt consumes a large portion of your income. On the other hand, if you both set clear goals and establish a realistic plan for managing both the debt and your future savings, this process can become less daunting. Consider sitting down together and outlining a timeline for your major financial goals, and talk openly about how his debt might affect that plan.

Ultimately, being clear about your financial boundaries, expectations, and long-term goals will not only give you a better sense of what life with Mark will look like, but it will also help you establish a healthier, more transparent approach to managing money together as a couple. Having these conversations now will allow you to enter marriage with a shared understanding of how to navigate both the opportunities and challenges that lie ahead.

Work on a Financial Plan Together

Marriage is not just about emotional support and shared experiences; it’s also about building a stable financial foundation. A well-thought-out financial plan is essential for both your peace of mind and your long-term success as a couple. By creating a plan together, you can approach Mark’s debt strategically and ensure that both of your financial needs and goals are addressed. Here are several steps you can take to create a plan that works for both of you:

Create a joint budget:
One of the first and most crucial steps in managing finances together is creating a joint budget. Sit down with Mark and go over both of your incomes, fixed expenses (such as rent, utilities, groceries, etc.), and discretionary spending. Lay out a clear picture of your combined financial situation, including how much of your income is available after covering your basic living costs. Then, incorporate Mark’s debt payments into the budget. Seeing the numbers in front of you can be very grounding—it helps to demystify the situation and can reduce any anxiety you may have about how his debt will impact your financial future.In this process, decide how much money will go toward paying down debt each month and whether any sacrifices or adjustments need to be made. For instance, would you need to cut back on entertainment or dining out to free up more funds for debt repayment? How much can each of you contribute to an emergency savings account? By jointly agreeing on your priorities, you’ll gain a sense of control over the situation, and both of you will be on the same page about how to allocate your resources.
Discuss how you’ll manage finances post-marriage:
Once you’re married, the way you manage your finances as a couple is crucial to your relationship’s success. Every couple handles money differently—some choose to combine all their finances, while others maintain separate accounts and split shared expenses. You and Mark will need to decide what approach works best for both of you.If you decide to combine everything, you’ll need to clearly define how much of your shared income will be directed toward paying off debt, saving for the future, and covering living expenses. On the other hand, if you prefer to keep some of your finances separate, it’s important to establish guidelines for how you’ll share responsibility for expenses and savings while still maintaining individual autonomy. Many couples choose a hybrid approach, where they keep individual accounts but also contribute to a joint account for shared expenses such as rent, utilities, groceries, and debt payments.Another key point is to determine who will take responsibility for managing the finances on a day-to-day basis. Will you take turns paying bills, or will one of you manage that task? Establishing these roles early on helps avoid misunderstandings and ensures that all financial obligations are met in a timely manner.
Set clear financial goals together:
Beyond just managing debt, it’s essential to discuss and agree on your shared financial goals. Whether you want to save for a down payment on a house, start a family, or build a retirement fund, having a long-term plan helps keep you both focused on the future. Setting clear goals—such as how much you want to save each month or when you hope to be debt-free—will give both of you a sense of direction and purpose.You might want to consider automating savings for specific goals, such as setting up a dedicated savings account for a future house or travel fund. Automating savings can make it easier to reach your goals without constantly having to think about it, and it helps prevent either partner from dipping into savings for impulsive purchases.
Monitor progress on debt repayment:
Tracking Mark’s debt repayment is an essential part of ensuring that you’re both making progress toward becoming debt-free. Create a system where you regularly check on how much debt has been paid off and whether you’re staying on track with your repayment plan. This can be done through monthly or quarterly financial check-ins, where you review your budget, track the reduction of the debt, and celebrate milestones when certain amounts are paid off.If you find that the debt is becoming overwhelming or not reducing as quickly as you’d hoped, it might be time to explore additional options such as restructuring loans or consolidating high-interest debt into more manageable terms. Some people benefit from working with a financial advisor who can provide expert guidance on the most efficient ways to manage and pay off debt. Financial advisors can help you find options like refinancing loans at lower interest rates or setting up more favorable repayment terms, which can make a significant difference in how quickly you’re able to tackle the debt.
Plan for financial emergencies and unexpected costs:
Even as you work toward paying off debt, it’s important to plan for the unexpected. Life is unpredictable, and financial setbacks can occur due to sudden medical expenses, car repairs, or job instability. Make sure you’re setting aside some money each month into an emergency fund. This will protect you from having to take on more debt if unforeseen expenses arise. Having a safety net can also reduce stress and provide peace of mind as you navigate your financial journey together.

By working on a financial plan together, you’re not just addressing Mark’s debt; you’re building a roadmap for your financial future. The key to success is regular communication, mutual accountability, and an ongoing commitment to the plan you create. This financial partnership will help both of you feel more in control, secure, and aligned in your approach to handling money—strengthening your bond as you face life’s financial challenges as a team.

Weigh the Emotional and Practical Considerations

While finances are undoubtedly important, it’s equally essential to remember that marriage is built on love, trust, and emotional connection. The foundation of your relationship isn’t just about numbers on a balance sheet—it’s about the bond you’ve created with Mark over time, the shared experiences, and the deep commitment to supporting one another. Debt may be a factor in your decision-making process, but it doesn’t define who Mark is, nor does it need to eclipse the strong partnership you’ve built.

That said, financial stress can be a significant source of tension in any relationship. Many couples underestimate how money-related anxiety can spill over into other aspects of their lives, creating conflict or distance. It’s important to reflect on how both you and Mark handle stress—particularly financial stress. Are you able to have calm, productive conversations about difficult topics, or does it often lead to frustration or avoidance? Your ability to communicate effectively and manage stressful situations as a team will determine how well you can navigate these challenges in the long run.

You’ll also want to consider how you each cope with uncertainty. Debt, especially if it’s significant, can create a sense of insecurity or fear about the future. Ask yourself whether you feel emotionally equipped to handle this uncertainty together. If you’re both committed to working through the challenges—whether that means making sacrifices, supporting one another during difficult times, or adjusting your financial expectations—it’s possible to come out even stronger. Many couples successfully overcome financial obstacles by being open, supportive, and dedicated to a shared plan for the future. When both partners feel like they’re on the same team, the experience of tackling debt can actually deepen your bond, reinforcing the idea that you’re in this together, no matter what.

On the flip side, if there are unresolved issues around transparency or responsibility, these need to be addressed before you move forward. If Mark has a pattern of avoiding financial discussions or being unwilling to take accountability for his debt, these could be red flags. Lack of openness or financial irresponsibility can lead to mistrust and strain in the relationship. It’s essential to ensure that you both have the same level of commitment to resolving the debt and managing your finances as a team. Without this shared responsibility, you may find that financial issues become a source of ongoing frustration and resentment.

Ultimately, the question you should be asking isn’t just “Should I marry someone with debt?” but rather, “Can we navigate this challenge in a way that strengthens our bond?” If you and Mark are able to have open, honest conversations about your shared goals, values, and expectations, then marrying him could be just as fulfilling as marrying someone without debt. What matters most is that you approach the situation with clarity, understanding, and mutual support.

In conclusion, if Mark’s debt is part of a larger, collaborative conversation about your future together, it can become a manageable part of your life rather than a dealbreaker. However, if financial transparency or responsibility is lacking, it’s important to address those concerns now to avoid bigger problems later on. Remember, marriage is a journey that requires both emotional and practical investment, and when both partners are aligned in their approach, even financial hurdles can become opportunities to grow stronger together.

Final Thoughts

When thinking about marriage, debt can feel like a significant obstacle, but it doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker. Every relationship faces challenges—whether they’re emotional, financial, or circumstantial—and what ultimately determines the strength of a marriage is how those challenges are approached and managed. Debt, like any other challenge, can be navigated successfully when both partners are committed to open communication, transparency, and working together toward a common goal. In the case of financial burdens, the key is not to let debt overshadow the love and connection that you’ve built, but instead to see it as an issue you can face together as a team.

First and foremost, financial transparency is essential. Both you and Mark need to be on the same page about his debt—how much there is, how it will be managed, and how it might impact your future together. Transparency fosters trust, and trust is the foundation for any successful marriage. If Mark is willing to be open about his financial situation and actively work with you to create a realistic repayment plan, that shows a level of responsibility and commitment that will strengthen your relationship.

It’s also important to understand that financial challenges can be a growth opportunity for your relationship. Facing debt together can teach you both valuable lessons about communication, problem-solving, and compromise—skills that will be necessary throughout your marriage, whether or not debt is involved. By tackling this issue head-on, you’ll develop the ability to manage future challenges with more confidence, knowing that you’ve successfully navigated this one.

In addition to communication and transparency, having a clear and shared financial plan is crucial. When both partners contribute to a plan, they gain a sense of ownership and control over the situation, which can reduce the anxiety and stress that often accompany financial difficulties. Whether it’s setting up a joint budget, agreeing on how to manage day-to-day expenses, or regularly checking on debt repayment progress, these actions demonstrate that you’re working as a unit. This unity, built through collaboration and shared goals, can transform financial struggles into opportunities for greater partnership and understanding.

That said, it’s equally important to reflect on your own financial boundaries. You must feel comfortable with the level of financial commitment you’re making. If you’re clear about your personal limits and Mark is respectful of those boundaries, you’ll be able to navigate this financial chapter with far less tension. However, if there are issues around financial responsibility or transparency, these should be addressed before moving forward, as unresolved money problems can strain even the strongest relationships.

In conclusion, while debt can complicate things, it doesn’t have to derail your plans for a happy and successful marriage. Couples like you and Mark, with open lines of communication and a solid plan in place, can not only overcome financial hurdles but also grow stronger as a result. Your ability to face this together will ultimately shape the future of your relationship—and if you approach it with mutual support and shared vision, you can build the secure, loving partnership you both deserve.

Wishing you clarity, confidence, and strength as you move forward,
Dr. Seraphina Hart

Dr. Hart

Dr. Seraphina Hart, PhD, is a relationship therapist with over two decades of experience in the field of psychology and human behavior. With a rich academic background from Stanford University, she has an in-depth understanding of the complexities of interpersonal relationships. Dr. Hart's journey began with a deep fascination with the human mind and how it forms emotional connections, leading her to specialize in relationship therapy.

Her compassionate approach and unique methodology are informed by her extensive study of various therapeutic modalities, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and mindfulness techniques. Dr. Hart believes in the power of empathy and understanding in healing and transforming relationships. With her guidance, clients learn to navigate their emotions, communicate effectively, and foster a deep sense of self-awareness.